@dance_blessed: Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you're also white.
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@ericsshadow: This is Eric's wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
@InternetHippo: OBAMA IS COMING FOR YOUR GUNS!! ME: OMG *clutches guns* [7 years later] ME (frustratedly checking my watch): This guy is taking forever
@SwedishCanary: I've spotted six Pokémon today but I don't have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
@shutupmikeginn: Me: your freezer went out I had to eat all the ice cream sandwiches Friend: it looks like someone kicked the outlet back into the drywall