@dance_blessed: Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you're also white.
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@FloodyHippie: My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger. --how I cancel dates
@mattingebretson: Whenever someone starts checking their phone when I'm talking to them I like to regain their attention by combing their hair
@longwall26: To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*