@dance_blessed: Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you're also white.
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@abbycohenwl: *pulls motorist over* COP: Are you high? MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree? *one leaf silently falls from cop*
@RidiculousSheri: I can't afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I'm wearing them.
@stoneman67: I don't mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
@filth_waste: how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch