Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
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e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
This bar smells like my childhood.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
My patience has stretch marks.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out