“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
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Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it