@balloonsmatt: Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
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@bea_ker: *blood everywhere* "What kind of ANIMAL would DO this?" Well, that's a gazelle Jeff, so probably a lion *to other ranger* Jeff's new here
@SamuelHLowe: - We buried my mother-in-law yesterday. - Sorry to hear that. When did she die? - My guess would be sometime this morning.
@careworn: Why do people insist on saying "You're next" to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
@sarcasticmommy4: I'm at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald's employee what my change back should be.