@balloonsmatt: Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
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@ArfMeasures: ME *puts honey on toast* SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that? ME: Yeah of course [Later] ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
@MunkMania: You know shit's getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
@Audenary: Me: But can robots write poetry?! Droid: We do not cry / when we are small / for we were never born at all Me: [Choking back tears] Dude