@balloonsmatt: Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
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@CraigBanksArt: Dear #Athiests Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
@Breadery: I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
@maisonwithapen: *stands near cute dude in store* ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*