Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
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Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Just me?
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”