Your mother has terrible taste in children.
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Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.