Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
You Might Also Like
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
I hope it’s French Onion!