All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
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*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.