Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
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34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Dance like you’re not the father
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.