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There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
This could’ve been an email.