Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
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I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
The pasta is now
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate