If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
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when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.