Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
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I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
The honesty is refreshing
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM