sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
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Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.