Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
You Might Also Like
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree