ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
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Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time