“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
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During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.