@Aspersioncast: Your secrets are safe with me, I wasn't even listening to you.
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@therealeatwood: [Wedding] “…to join these two in holy matrimony. The Ring, please?” [Maid of Honor pops tape in VCR.] [One week later: everyone dies.]
@the_hawlk: SECURITY GUARD: "Sir, I have to check all backpacks" ME: "ok" *opens backpack* *its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
@ProdigyNelson: Me: hey girl r u an earthquake Her: aw bc I rock ur world? Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
@supertweetjen: The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he'll spare my life.