I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
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There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?