[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
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“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half