sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
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“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
😆this is so true
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]