I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
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son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.