*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
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My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]