I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
The happy life.. 😊
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Natty or not?
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.