Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
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Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
North and South
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”