How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
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One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
tourist season
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Who says great literature is dead?
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Love thy neighbor’s dog
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Never go to sleep after making me angry