Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
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Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%