“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
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The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.