No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
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[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
my one true gender
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.