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[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
cats when you pet them too long:
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo