Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
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[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?