You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
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A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Print is alive and well!!!
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear