“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
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That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.