Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
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Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”