“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
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Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.