“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
You Might Also Like
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.