@goodtimenoel: You're all arguing about what color the dress is... While I'm having sex with the girl who took it off.
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@human_dis4ster: new tinder idea: upload all my photos upside down so girls turn their phone to look at them, obviously realise am ugly and swipe left but of course that's now actually right bing bang boom match
@AlexRogaski: [On couch, notices it's 6pm] Luckily I don't have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8. *Notices it's February* OH SHIT
@jergarl: Not sure why this lady looked so shocked when I whispered, "LIAR!" into her ear after I watched her type "lol". She did NOT lol.