@goodtimenoel: You're all arguing about what color the dress is... While I'm having sex with the girl who took it off.
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@AnkCoupleTO: [she comes home with a doggy bag] Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
@MelvinofYork: Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have? Me: Define “true friend.” Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything. Me: 11,419.
@weinerdog4life: I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.