You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
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Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.