I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
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when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
You are what you delete.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
R.I.P.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
I think my mom just blocked me
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman