@NicestHippo: You're an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
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@NoTheOtherJohn: Me: Pull my finger. Doctor: Ok. [finger detaches] Me: AAAAHHHHH! Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!! ME: haha j/k that's actually why I came in.
@matt___nelson: JESUS: so I'm u GOD: yes JESUS: and ur me GOD: yes JESUS: I don't get it GOD: I do JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other GOD: whoa
@TheMichaelRock: Whenever you're feeling down and out, just remember that there's people walking around with Twilight tattoos.