@NicestHippo: You're an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
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@amandajpanda: I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids. 72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
@TheIronSherk: My girl has been eating a lot of Mexican fast food and gaining tons of weight lately, but I'll never stop loving her She's my Taco Belle
@joe_binkley: Chopped: College Edition. "In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes."
@KayRants: If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I'm not kidding.