@NicestHippo: You're an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
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@1Happytwit: Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
@RobElliottComic: [having sex] Me: CHECK IT OUT NO HANDS! Her: USE YOUR HANDS! Me: *raises the roof*
@ehchino: [Couples counseling] "It's not good to keep these things bottles up, you know" Okay, fine *opens jar of wasps*