@NicestHippo: You're an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
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@Tmoney68: My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
@PimpBillClinton: Ladies, don't tell me you care about the environment if you don't support my "Share a Shower" water conservation program.
@SoLongStephen: First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It's almost like they know I'm the target demographic.