You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
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My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
fly smarter, not harder
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters