@NicestHippo: You're an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
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@Brentweets: I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking "What a cliche way for a fat person to die of"
@cornlog: My son is screaming his head off in his room but there's no way I'm going in there if his monster reports are true.
@causticbob: A boy asks his mom, "Why am I black and you're white?" She says, "Don't even go there. The way that party went, you're lucky you don't bark"
@audipenny: When someone tries to argue with me I'm like "hey pal let me stop you right there" and then physically turn them around to face someone else