I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
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A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die