You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
You Might Also Like
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Banking tips
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.