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Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me