You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
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Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Dear Lord..
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
#inspiration #foodforthought
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
tell em, edith-anne
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.