If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
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Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Cheers Twitter.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no