@IamEnidColeslaw: "YOU'RE FAT." - my belt
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@AndyAsAdjective: [at oceanside seafood restaurant] Me: Is the fish fresh here? Waiter: Yes *from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
@AlexRogaski: [On couch, notices it's 6pm] Luckily I don't have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8. *Notices it's February* OH SHIT
@AnAverageGiant: Today I had a mild panic attack over the fact I will die someday. Then I bought some shit on Amazon. Your mom is a hermaphrodite.
@clowndaddie: One time my friend Brandon’s Dad and his mom were in a heated argument in the car and she took his kid rock cd out of the player and threw it out the window with rage and he looked her dead in the eyes and pulled out a second copy of that same cd and put it back in the player