“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
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flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
As the Lord intended
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far