I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
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The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week