[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
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Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
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Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
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No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
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You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
#rubbishjokes
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me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
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I’m more “fermented”.
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HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.