You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
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I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
This is a bad sign
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Every time.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.