@curlycomedy: You're invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won't be any food.
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@Cheeseboy22: When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, "DON'T YOU DIE ON ME!" People always clap when she wakes up.
@fatherofcomedy: They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
@chopper4jk: When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I'm sure you already know, have a great time!
@hippieswordfish: *erases 1 and writes 0 on the 'days without incident' chart at Earl's Discount Stilts and Ceiling Fans*