@curlycomedy: You're invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won't be any food.
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@Sean_Burgundy_: It's so frustrating when your hitman doesn't answer the phone after you've made amends with someone
@weinerdog4life: Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
@Brianhopecomedy: My 2 year old wanted to race me home from daycare and I am TOTALLY winning. I don't even see her tricycle in my rear-view mirror.
@Lord_Voldemort7: Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you'll never know which side he's on.