You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
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I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
*bites zombie*
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Cheer up.
I feel it