“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
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My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..