It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
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[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
That time Alicia messaged me
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas