What if all the cashiers are married?
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Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Does it…does it take 3 days
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?