“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
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JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
my astrological sign is a french fry
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
She was rare, like a goth jogging
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm